friday i'm in love...the hearts and pirates mix...

everywhere i look
it’s hearts and flowers
and sweet sentiments & valentine wishes…

but for some reason
tonight
my head is full of buccaneers
and bony skeletons,
torn treasure maps,
and bonny anne the girl pirate
sailing on a turbulent sea,
scaring the boys
and whistling for whales
who will float along beside her
and take her on the
next great adventure…
where she will lead mutinies
and rebellions and
make friends with the
jellyfish
and share secrets and bread crumbs
with the seagulls…

yeah…my brain gets away from me sometimes.

currently loving::

♥ it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood

♥ i want to feel like this again…

♥ this…

arrrrghhhh….happy heart day, matey…♥♥♥ now walk the plank.

friday i'm in love...with 2020...

It’s a brand new year.

I love a fresh start.
I love resolutions and goals and plans and lists.
And I especially love the sound of
2020.

It just sounds balanced and even and fair.

2019 was not an awful year for me.
It wasn’t the greatest, by any definition of the word,
but it could have been worse.
2019 forced me to grow and learn in ways
I wasn’t sure I was capable of.

It was a year of healing but, just for kicks,
the house decided to also make it the year it would
throw major temper tantrums
and force me to replace an oil tank, get the furnace fixed,
buy a new washer and dryer, cut down ALL the trees
in the back yard AND replace the roof.

Which sucked at the time, but I look at it now and think…
I’m still here. I’m still standing. And most days, I’m even still smiling.

And that feels pretty friggin’ good. :)

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If you have been here before, you know I pick a word every January
to use as a bit of a compass for the rest of the year.
Last year, I chose unfold and, honestly, it was perfect.
I went into 2019 not sure how a lot of things were going to pan out…
I wasn’t sure I would be able to stay in the house after 2 financial advisors
told me that there was no way I would be able to do it on my own.
I wasn’t sure I could handle the house even if I did stay in it.
Also, I was dating but unsure if I was really ready for that either.

I was just really, really unsure of everything that I had once been certain of.

And my nature is to plan/list/mindmap/analyze my way through things
but I decided to just let this year unfold.
And that was the perfect decision. It gave me the flexibility
to put myself out there but also the safety net to pull back if I needed to.
No expectations. No set goals. Just take it as it comes.

The allowance to unfold served its need in 2019
but now…I am ready for more.
I think I have been quietly building a foundation for some bigger goals
and now it’s time to throw in the match
and ignite 2020.

I am ready mentally to push myself harder this year in some of the areas
that I have just been treading water in…mainly…on the creative side.
I have some big goals and plans and intentions for 2020.

Ignite just felt like the right amount of heat and excitement
and butterflies in my belly. I am kind of looking forward to 2020.

And thanks for coming along on my long winded, sometimes
overly scenic, slightly wordy no-map drive. I definitely appreciate your company. :)

embrace winter...

the first day of december…

I have been thinking
that this year
I might try something different.

Every year, I fight winter tooth and nail.
I hate the cold.
I hate bundling up. I hate shovelling.
I hate worrying if there is oil in the tank.
I hate, I hate and I hate.

But this year, I am going to turn that around.

I am going to embrace winter.
(ok. Let me re-phrase that. I am going to try my hardest to embrace winter).

I made a list (cause….you know…I love a good list…)
(plus…added bonus…some of these are also on my fifty before fifty…
so DOUBLE WHAMMY…wait…is a double whammy a good thing? haha)

EMBRACE WINTER

• hot drink recipes

• ice skating

• sledding

• cross country skiing

• downhill skiing (which i should leave til the last cause I will probably break a bone)

• snow shoes complete! ♥

• marvel movie marathon

• bake cookies complete! ♥

• make a snowman army

• make a puzzle

• cut out snowflakes

• go bowling

• winter bonfire

• board game night

• pj party

• walks outside…get sunlight/vitamin d when you can

• try curling complete! ♥

• make a winter playlist

• make snow angels

• get a new candle

• sauna/hot tub nights

• tubing

• make a snow fort

• have a snowball fight

• nap by a fireplace

• bubble bath

• blanket fort pj popcorn cartoon nights

• read SOOO many books

• go look at Christmas lights complete! ♥

I think that should cover this winter. :)
but it occurred to me that A LOT of these would be much more fun
if done with other people soooo…I may be
looking for willing (or slightly unwilling) volunteers…heehee.

I actually took pugsley out for a wintry walk on the trails today
as an attempt to get a good start on this list right away…
and honestly…it was by far the best choice I could have made today.

and see…in the spirit of “embracing” winter,
I bought myself a pretty red shovel.
……………………………………………………….

oh…and unrelated-but-must-be-said…
the response to this story about my geek girl ink cards
in one of our local papers has blown my mind…
in a very good way. :) I was completely surprised
and sooooo incredibly happy with all the comments, likes,
emails, orders and support.

My heart is full. ♥ Thank you!!!!

life is a decision....

i wrote on the very last page of this journal today.

i was hoping it would take me to the end of december
so i could start a new year with a brand new book
but, i couldn’t make it stretch that far.
i need to write in it every day.

i started this journal in 2017.

part of me wants to burn it.

i have never felt that way about a journal before
but this one just holds so much hurt and sadness
and pieces of a broken smashed up heart.

but…
it also holds a fucking ton of progress.

i try not dwell on the past.
i am a big fan of “what’s done is done…move forward…even if it’s just baby steps”
some days, i’ll admit, that is easier to do than others….
but this little red book holds all my baby steps…
and all my backward slides, too.

but backward slides are to be expected.
in the front of the book, once upon a time, i had written
life is a decision.
and it really is.
every day i decide i am going to find at least
one thing that will make me
laugh really, really hard
and honestly, i meet that goal
every frigging day (usually at my own expense, but still…hahaha)

life is way too short to be sad…
there is ice cream to be eaten, books to be read, music to discover
and dirt roads to be explored…candy stores, gravel pits, road trips…
best friends, beaches, shooting stars, rainbow socks, happy meals…

i am grateful for what i had, we had a lot of really good years….
and two of the sweetest bestest kids i could ever imagine resulted from that…
i would have been lost without them…
and i am grateful that there has been no drama, no anger during the separation…
that had made it easier for sure…for all of us…
but now it’s ok to be excited about the possibilities…
what could the next big adventure be, peewee…
life is a decision.
will you turn right or left?
:)

i got this journal last year for christmas from someone special
and last night, i bought a new purple pen
cause…purple just makes me happy.
and i think we have established
i like to be happy.
:)

so bring on the new year….for once, i’m ready early.
heehee

pinpoints of light...{don't mind me...i'm feeling wordy}

this would have been
a perfect night
to drive out to the
middle of nowhere
somewhere
and
lay on your back
in a field
counting the stars…
creating secret stories of lost galaxies…
silent constellations
and space ships with little flickering lights…

i just took the dog
for a walk
and was tempted to lay in the middle of
my street
staring up at the sky
but contented myself
with laying
on the deck instead
in the dark of the streetlights
wearing dress pants and a
dirty plaid work jacket that belongs to my kid…
and wondered
if the night sky was like that
picture of the boat
at my friend’s dad’s house
that everyone could see but me…
no matter how much i
relaxed my eyes…
i was never relaxed enough.

but maybe
if i could relax enough on my back on the deck
and stare at the night sky long enough,
the lines would blur
and i would see beyond the sharp pinpricks
of light

a sliver of a star to put in my pocket for the darker days.
a shard of understanding, of truth…

and then i think…
maybe nobody else saw the boat either.