they told me this would happen...

I mean...
I knew that they would grow up.
That's kind of the point, right?

I just didn't think it would feel like it happened
so damn fast...
that she would be off in another province,
working 3 jobs, taking charge of her life...
that he would get so tall,
and so self sufficient.
That they would take planes and trains
and buses all by themselves.
That the panicky texts would not come from them,
they would directly come from me...
did you get there?
are you on the plane?
have you eaten?
did you check in?
did you get your baggage?
did you ask anyone where to go?
don't talk to strangers!
and that the
short but sweet reassurances
would come from them...
all good!
i'm here.
pretty sure this is right.
love you too

He flew away today all by himself
to Toronto
to take part in a conference that the Student's Commission
puts on...he attended last year
and this year, he is helping to facilitate
and I couldn't be prouder
but I'm not gonna lie...
I miss him already.
The house is too quiet without
the sound of a Jetta revving in the shop...
no stories of paint jobs and
rims he found online
and what plans he has for the tail lights
or who cut him off while driving today.

Tuesday feels a long way away.
♥♥♥

tuesday truths...

♥  it's funny the things you learn about yourself as you get older...
    like the annoying fact that you have super fragile sensitive to cold ears.
    and that not everybody else has this.
    it's like a super power
    but in reverse.
    anyway....the other night they ached so bad after walking home
    in the wind
    that i had to heat up the magic bag and
    take turns holding it against each ear
    while whimpering
    and googling with my free hand to see
    WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY DO MY EARS HURT SO BAD
    but...it's really a thing.
    it even has a name
    otalgia....
    which i was excited about until i realized
    it translates into mystery ear pain....
    that feels less than scientific
    and more like something i might have just made up.

♥    i love christmas...i really do.
     and it's funny because i think sometimes
     maybe i may come across as
     NOT loving christmas
     because i am constantly saying i don't care about it...
     but it's not christmas i don't care about...
     it's the things we sometimes get trapped into thinking we HAVE to do...
     we have to buy gifts, we have to visit, we have to be social, we have to decorate...
     well.  damn it.  no, i don't.
     i'll buy gifts but only cause i want to and i am seriously not going to stress
     about whether or not the recipient likes it because...
     wouldn't that be kind of ungrateful to not like someone's gift?
     it'd be like the time my mom got me the shirt i really really really
     wanted for easter...
     {remember those white dress shirts with the tails...
     that you wore with your stirrup pants...
     and your lace hair ties...and madonna bracelets....
     (yeah...i was an eighties kid...why do you ask?)
     and so she got me one and I WAS SO EXCITED
     and then i held it up and there was a handpainted tiger on the back.
     heh.
     an extra large handpainted tiger.
     anyway...i didn't say i didn't like but she read it on my face
     and returned it and got me a plain-white-won't-stand-out-in-a-crowd-of-
     vicious-snarly-teenage-girls
     cause-then-i'll-be-just-like-everyone-else
     and this story totally DOES NOT PROVE my point.
    
     my point is...i love christmas...i love seeing my family,
     watching every christmas show i can cram in,
     fighting with my kids & husband over who is putting the sesame street
     christmas ornaments on the tree (well...i mean really though...they are MINE)....
     telling the kids they can't come down in the morning
     until we light the furnace (it's oil)(haha)...
     car karaoke on the drive home from Ch'town Christmas Eve with the 4 of us singing
     total eclipse of the heart at the top of our lungs...
     putting plaid pajamas on the pug...sneaking meat pie with stirling while wrapping presents...
     my dad chasing me around the house with the turkey neck...

     i like the silly things....the little moments...the laugh until you think
     you are really going to throw up moments...that's how you define hallmark for me.

♥     i really shouldn't do these blog posts
       stream of conscious....
       i never know where it's going to go...
       seriously.
       i am as surprised as you are.
       heehee.
    

48 years...

48 years ago today
my parents
walked down the aisle
and
everything that followed
has forever
shaped my life.

when i was kid
i thought
i wanted
to live in new york
to go to all the parties and concerts and be a rock star (or an astronaut)...
to drive a purple fiaro
and follow billy idol
around the world...

i know now
that what i really
always wanted
is a marriage
just like my parents.

they fit together.

she tones down his crazy
finger snapping whistling antsy kind of ways
in a way no one else can.
and he makes her laugh
at least 5 times a day...
usually without even trying to.

they taught me so many things...
without ever saying
"here are the things that you need to learn about love...pay attention"

• don't ever, ever call each other names in anger.  no matter what. ever.
• listen to each other's stories...yeah...maybe you don't know what the other person is talking about when they explaining a timing belt or venting about cranky customers but still...listen.
• things always look better in the morning.
• money is not the important thing. 
• if someone judges you on your clothes or your car or your house, you don't want to be friends with them anyway. 
• laugh.  in my family, teasing and sarcasm mean hey...we like you.  telling embarrassing funny stories about you...repeatedly...well...we obviously LOVE you.  it's how we show affection.
• be proud of who you are.  be interesting.  be kind.  be resourceful.  be creative.  be original.  be you.

happy 48 years, mom and dad....
you make it look easy.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
 

life is messy...

this weekend
has flown by in a
blur
of happy and sad,
birthdays, bittersweet homecomings
and sad goodbyes...

our girl turned 22 on saturday.
it is hard for me to wrap my head around this number.
where is the time going?
2 jobs, going to school, her own apartment...
no driver's license yet
{well... she is her mother's daughter...}

we are incredibly proud of her.
she came into this world stubborn,
taking her sweet old time
and not making her entrance
until she was good and ready...
and that's how she still lives her life today.

she's loud and mouthy and
strong and brave.
and i would not change a thing about her.

we weren't expecting to see her on her birthday
since she was just home last week
but she came home
for a wake and funeral.

i had not planned on talking about this here
because it was my husband's uncle
and i feel like it is not really my story to tell...
but i do have to say this...

as i watched my husband's family over the past
couple of days, i was struck by how strong
and closely knit and...well...how amazing that family is.
they accepted the unbearable sadness that came with having to
say goodbye to a man that was like a rock
within a much larger part of their family,
extending far beyond their family unit of husband and father
to father in law, grandfather, brother, uncle and close cherished friend to so many,
with the strength of coming together
as a family in such a powerful way.

goodbyes are always so damn hard
yet made bittersweet when filled with stories and song,
laughter between the tears, hugs and memories and so much food
passed around the family til late in the night...
and it gives me comfort to know that
yes, things are going to be hard sometimes
and goodbyes are going to have to be said
no matter how hard we don't want to say it,
no matter how hard we fight to hang on,
but watching each of them looking out for each other...
pats on the back, so many hugs, so many stories...
well...i think it's a testament to how he lived his life
and how he affected/influenced/impacted so many people in his life
in such a positive way
and that is the kind of legacy worth leaving behind...
you can't ask for more than that.

he will be incredibly missed by so many

♥ ♥ ♥

those little moments...

when your 17 year old says
"i'll come with you"
unexpectedly for a drive you thought you would be making alone
and what was
going to be
a quick trip out to deliver some
photos & little cards/paintings to
Muddy Crick Market
(and let's be honest,
you were a little nervous about
bringing that stuff out there,
it feels a little out of your comfort zone
and a lot of "who do you think you are, why do you think
any one will buy the stuff you make")
you say yes.

and then,
the whole night changes.

we stopped at my parents and hung out for a bit...
drove up the road to see the very sweet & talented jenna
at Muddy Crick Market (blog post to come soon about this place!)
and then went for ice cream at
richmond dairy bar
(meaning one more dairy bar to cross off my summer bucket list)
(and i also have to add that the girl that waited on us
was seriously adorable and quirky...to the point
that i felt it necessary to comment on it here...she
made us laugh the whole time we ordered.)

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AND then we
stopped for a walk on my most favorite beach in the world
union corner

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and he lets you tell him stories of growing up in the country
and who lived where
and that person used to babysit me
and the bookmobile used to stop at this house...

and even lets you take selfies with him...
:)

well...that's my favorite kind of night.

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SIDENOTE:  and you know...i have been blogging for so long
that he is not only ok with fact that i blogged this
but he expects it...they know me so well.
he'll often say...oh yeah...that'll be on the blog later.
it's funny that it's the "norm" here...
but i guess...i have been doing this since he was 5...
12 years. 
that's kind of mind boggling all on it's own, hahahaha.

SIDENOTE #2:  i forgot my camera so all photos were taken with my phone...
which is not great quality...(I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NOTE 8!!!!!!)(dual camera!!!!)

SIDENOTE #3:  one of my favorite bloggers, saltwater princess, wrote about MY SUMMER BUCKET LIST on her blog!!!  I am telling you...I will never get used the idea that someone beside myself reads this damn thing.  Everytime i get a comment or a like or a mention (!!) i react with the same level of excitement/stunned bewilderment...thinking...what...someone else actually READ this.  Like...the whole blog post?  :) :) :) And then i clap my hands and do a little happy dance around my living room.  I am totally not kidding. 

And also...Chris Bohjalian is now following me on twitter...like...as in the author of the book that i posted about Monday...(i am so glad that i was nicer about this one than i was about drew barrymore...)