the only way forward is through....

it’s here.

new years eve.
the last day of 2023.
the last year i will
have seen my dad in….
talked to him…
said “you ok, dad?”
sitting with him
while he smoked on the back step…
taking him outside for a smoke
from various hospitals
or see him so happy over
cold, cold water or ice cold ginger ale.

2023 holds the last time
i made him laugh…
heard him say my name
or call out love ya
as i was leaving.

because this time he was the one
who had to leave.

and it’s hard to leave 2023
for that reason alone.

knowing 2024 will only hold
memories of him.

up until today, I was all yes!
a new year! i’m ready!

but now that i am on the cusp of it,
part of me wants to rewind
instead of fast forward
or at least stand still
but i know that can’t be.

the only way forward is through.

this is not what i came here to write
but there it is.

the truth is....i don't know how to do this...

not that anyone
knows
how to do this…
how to say goodbye cleanly
and precisely.

there is no
clean and precise
happening here.

there is
up and down
high and low
in and out
over and under…

there is messy
and out of sorts.
there are spells
of manic haphazard planning
I will do this!
I will go here!
I will make this!
followed by endless
heavy eyed under the cover naps.

i don’t know
how to not talk or think
about him.

this is the strange part
of this journey i think…
the stark sharp jagged broken bits of sadness
are jumbled up with
the soft warm and fuzzy memories
and the bouncy bright colored plans
are mingled with
red hot sizzling bouts of
irritation and annoyance
when little things chafe your skin
in an unexpected way.

and you feel like a
kaleidoscope….
except you are having
trouble finding the pattern,
seeing the pretty in it…
right now…
it’s all just rumbling
around in there,
churning out whatever it wants
at any given moment.

so you come here
and word vomit onto the page
like a purge,
a release….

a momentary reprieve.

the truth is
i don’t know how to do this.
but this is what i do.
i type.
i drink tea with lemon.
i watch the droplets of water
hold onto the branches
and reflect the upside down world to me
in a way that makes sense.

and i wait.

because I know this will not pass
but it will ease.
I will always talk about him every day.
I will always think about him every day.
I won’t cry every day.
And most days, I will laugh.
Because
isn’t that the point?
of this strange and inexplicable life…
to live and laugh and love
and if that makes me a cliche,
eff it. I’ll take it. ♥

so no.
i don’t know how to do this.
who does?
there is no right
there is no wrong
there is only through.
and allowing yourself (and others)
grace.

it will be ok.
and it’s ok
to have days
that are not ok.

ok?

whatcha readin'? {goal 40::book 7} (& a disclaimer....well....a ramble...a long one...cause...that's what I do))

so yeah….that looks pretty bad…
goal is 40 and i am at SEVEN!

but the truth is
i am actually at 32….
i have just been really bad at posting
because…well…you know….
there were other things happening.

and the truth also is that
i still feel broken and raw and
too-touchy-to-touch…
i should have a sign that says
“will smile at you but
do not approach too close,
will also bite your hand off.”

i know that no one knows the right thing to say
when you lose someone and that
everyone is trying their best
but i can only speak for myself when i say
for me specifically, it’s best not to say anything at all.
i know that you know. ♥
and i know that you are sorry for my loss. ♥
but as soon as i hear those words,
i don’t know what to say, i am mumbling things
& shrugging my shoulders and looking away…
and it gets incredibly awkward.
for you and for me.
so let me save you from that. :)
if you see me out, please don’t feel you have to say anything…
i promise i will know, i will understand,
and honestly, my heart will thank you for that.

i met up with 2 old friends yesterday by chance
in the sauna…and my first thought was
it’s going to happen again….
(and i am going to be crying in the parking lot)
but it didn’t. ♥

instead they let me wonder out loud
about the possibilities of the door jamming shut
and suffocating us all (while reassuring me that wouldn’t happen)
and we talked about yoga and wellness
and i knew that underneath, they were telling me
they were sorry…but that silent sorry meant so much to me.

(and please don’t think i am saying that
this is the right approach for everyone…
i only know what is right for me…
and nobody knows this if I don’t tell them so…)
and also if you have seen me out and said anything
PLEASE DON’T FEEL BAD. that is SO not my intention.
you didn’t know…cause how does anyone know what
anyone wants in a time like this.

it’s such an emotionally charged time.
i am prone to taking everything the wrong way.
if you say i’m strong, or that i’m handling it well,
i will hear that it looks like i don’t even care that he died.
AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEAN
but did i mention my brain is super effing glitchy right now?
again. better just to not talk to me until spring…
like a bear in hibernation. Haha.
Or talk to me about smurfs or sesame street or
oh gawd, did you watch love is blind
which is the worst trainwreck of a show but
yeah!!! i will definitely talk about how much i loved Milton
and couldn’t stand Stacey. Hahaha.

ANYWAY. One more version of a
not what I came here to say blog post.
please bear with me…my brain is glitchy.

What I wanted to say was:
Book #7 - Whiskey in a Teacup - Reese Witherspoon
♥♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts

The note I wrote about this book:
"Pretty pictures and I just like Reese. Sue me."

and one last note…
for anyone that has sent me messages
about dad or about their own loss…yes!
This I can do. I am better in type.
And I can choose when and where to read it…
and there is no need for me to respond right away.

There. Now I’m done. For real. Unless you wanna talk about love is blind…cause….I’m game for that! :D

it's been a bit of an odd summer...

my brain doesn’t
quite know
what it wants
to do…
i mean, let’s be honest,
it never really does.
it’s always been
a bit of a fickle pickle
of a brain
bouncing about
like a frenzied rubber ball
going this way and that…

but lately…

it’s bouncing between
really really up and
let’s buy groceries
cause we are gonna cook things
and let’s refinish furniture
and go places
and start jogging
and maybe write a book
while also repainting the
living room…

and really really down
where i can’t get out of my own way…
tonight i had to put an oil treatment
in my hair
just to ensure that i didn’t go to bed
at 6:30…cause
that’s what i really wanted to do.

and at the same time,
i feel like summer is rushing by
in a flash of rain clouds
and scattered thundershowers
and i haven’t camped yet,
i haven’t gone away,
i haven’t had a bonfire or gone to the drive in
and i feel panicky
and then that makes me tired
so i go to bed
at 6:30.

this will pass.
i think.
i hope.
i just need some deep breaths
and sunshine
and maybe a doughnut.

or a nap.

sometimes...

sometimes
i talk
too much…
a lot…
non stop…
i get excited
about all the little things
& i just want
to share
and share
and share some more…

and sometimes…
i don’t want
to talk at all.

i am sleepy
and quiet
and i can’t
find the energy
to get out of
my own way…

maybe both extremes
are ok…
two sides of my tarnished
bent and broken coin…
maybe i should just lean into it
and stop
trying to fight it….
trying to always be
energized and bubbly and creative.

it’s ok to rest, too.

especially on rainy days.
♥

also i seem
to be on a little
fairy kick…
not sure where they are coming from…
but i like that they are visiting
and that they don’t eat all the
candy…just a little bit.