sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.


what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.



little bits of saturday sweetness and strains of melancholy

today i slept in...
late.

really late.

and i can't seem to shake this melancholy feeling
of just letting the day
pass me by
while listening to
this {i will never tire of damian rice)
and
eating cold cereal

{remembering mismatched dreams of fighting and fears
and unexpected flashes of tenderness...}

i have to go to yoga in an hour
and out to supper in two hours

i just can't seem to get myself going.

instead i get lost in videos like this
soulpancake ball pit on the street
and wonder what my answers would be,
if i had the courage to get in the pit in the first place.

and absorbed in freckles

and wishing i had time to go find the canada geese

i'm a little lost today.
quiet and quiet...inside and out.





monday musings

an blurb from morning pages: 

The girl with the butterfly brown eyes stood with her back against the wall.
Silent and still, only her eyelashes fluttered as she looked down at her bare feet. 
Pudgy toes and a fallen instep.  White baby doll dress with frills and lace, bare legs,
black hair, biting her bottom lip.

I remember her then.  So different from the woman I know now.
Though she still want me to call her girl. 
She still bites her bottom lip.

If I could turn back time...I thought....would I? 

Would I go back there? Would she?  Who would ever know.
It can't be done anymore than the damage can be undone.  I shook my head and let it go.
Move on, I told myself, move on, people...nothing more to see here.
Just some broken glass and shards of heart and maybe an owed apology or two.

saturday night & my eyes are sleepy

there were so many things i was going to do this weekend.

and somehow,
i feel like the day has passed without anything
getting done.

i started out on the computer
thinking that wordpress might be the way to go
for my photography blog
and spent way too much time
trying to incorporate it onto the website
finally figuring it out! :)
and then realizing
it
doesn't
even
really make a difference.

you just link to it anyway.
which i had already done with my blogger version
so
that was kind of a waste of time.

and then
realized that blog templates and logos and all that are
way
more
expensive
than i thought.

and then
(because i was starting to get frustrated)
(which makes me start to get antsy and
messes with my ability to sit still)
i got in the car
and drove outside of town with the camera
and
that was
good.

that was just what i needed.

driving clears my head.
it allows me to think.
it slows me down and clarifies the big picture for me.

i came home to juicy hamburgers all ready to be eaten
while listening to 13 chatter happily...
and now...
i'm ready for bed.


sunday is another day.