friday i'm in love....(the slightly forced version)

As I was writing this
I realized
the last time I did a
friday i’m in love
my dad was still here.

I am trying to get back to
normal (whatever construct
normal actually is)
but sometimes
something so simple
as a friday i’m in love post
can set me back a moment or two
and almost make me think
I can’t do it.
That it feels wrong to be happy
and sad…but two things can be true.
Two things can be true.

I’m trying not to write about this
all the time but no matter what I
mean
to write, this is what comes out
regardless.

So here I am.
Click-clacking the keyboard.
Letting my emotions fall onto
a blank page because that is
where I feel the most comfortable…

But I chose GLEE as my word
for 2024 so I am pushing myself
to look for the happy moments alongside
the sad….even when I don’t think I can.
especially when I don’t think I can.

friday i’m in love

♥ my girl sent me a video on grief that really resonated with me…the button in a box video…then I came across this one today and the second scenario really felt like how I feel

♥ I am reading this & oh, how I love it SO MUCH. I don’t know why I waited so long to start the 3rd book in the series….but this was a good start to 2024’s reading list

♥ nom-nom-nom. THESE are delicious. I was so happy that I remembered I had bought them one day while I was reading in the car and found them hidden under the seat (unopened, I’m not a complete animal)(but let’s not lie, I still would have eaten them probably). :)

♥ and this. Oh. How I love this!
and not JUST because it has a fancy pen
that lets me do things like this…but
that’s definitely a big part of it. Heehee

Honestly, though, there are so many things I am grateful for.
A phone call from my mom.
Messages from my brothers even if they drive me crazy.
Hearing my girl’s stories after work and seeing how happy she is.
A random conversation with an old friend in the hallway laughing about how I thought aspartame was pronounced a-spart-a-my…like some kind of Greek hero.
A flock of crows overhead on my walk when I realized IT WAS STILL BRIGHT ENOUGH AFTER WORK TO WALK. :)

♥♥♥ I hope you are having a happy friday too. You really should.

compass word for 2024

Every year,
I choose a word
as my “compass” word
for that whole year.

Some years, it works out very well…
other years, I forget the word
by February.

Last year was cultivate
and I was excited about it…
then life kinda went a different way
for awhile and I had to re-calibrate.
But when I reread this from last year
I think I wasn’t as far off the mark
as I had thought:
”Life is short.
What matters to me right now
are the people in my life…
the experiences we share,
the adventures, the connections…”

This year, I barely had to think about it…
it struck me hard almost right away.
I had thought heal. Or rest.
But then I thought of Dad…
and if I really want a year that would
make me think of him
I want a year full of joy, of delight,
of glee.

So glee is my compass word for 2024.
I want to laugh hard, I want to do things that
excite me and inspire me. I want to
explore and try new things (except food)
and be open to new experiences.

I want to live life
with my arms wide open
and less over thinking…

I want to do things
that give me butterflies
in my belly.

I have a couple of other things
in my brain for the start of 2024:

I am going to do the “75 soft challenge”.

1. Eat well and only drink on social occasions. (added - track my food)

2. Train for 45 minutes every day, with one day a week for active recovery.

3. Drink three liters of water a day.

4. Read 10 pages of any book a day.

AND I am going to attempt a No Spend January
(and possibly February).
My plan is that I will only spend money on the
things I have to (bills, etc) and on the bare
necessities but no extras.
I honestly have enough self care items
(moisturizers, shampoo, conditioner, candles,
books, art supplies) to last me for YEARS
but I have gotten into the habit
of “treating” myself when I feel
down or stressed….so it’s time to curb that.
And what better time to do than winter?

I am looking forward to 2024.
I hope that you are, too.
♥

the only way forward is through....

it’s here.

new years eve.
the last day of 2023.
the last year i will
have seen my dad in….
talked to him…
said “you ok, dad?”
sitting with him
while he smoked on the back step…
taking him outside for a smoke
from various hospitals
or see him so happy over
cold, cold water or ice cold ginger ale.

2023 holds the last time
i made him laugh…
heard him say my name
or call out love ya
as i was leaving.

because this time he was the one
who had to leave.

and it’s hard to leave 2023
for that reason alone.

knowing 2024 will only hold
memories of him.

up until today, I was all yes!
a new year! i’m ready!

but now that i am on the cusp of it,
part of me wants to rewind
instead of fast forward
or at least stand still
but i know that can’t be.

the only way forward is through.

this is not what i came here to write
but there it is.

The days are passing by...

The tree is down and out…
the presents are all put away…
the meat pie all eaten,
the Christmas specials all watched.

These are the days
that I look forward to now…
those limbo transient days
between the bustling busy-ness & stress of Christmas
and the quiet, introspective
silence of the days in between the old year
and the new.

This Christmas was a mix
of hard and soft,
good but sad,
present but also with one foot
in the past
missing our dad.

There is no way it could be anything else.
A teetering balance, a towering loss,
a tenuous hold on keeping it together.
There were new traditions made,
a tradition you would sooner not have to make…
visiting him somewhere you don’t want him to be….
you want him in his chair,
you want to hear him laughing and
calling your name when you walk in the room.

But the first Christmas without him is over now.

I have been rereading my journal from 2023
as I always do.
And I knew that this year would be hard to read.
Bittersweet. I’m glad that I journaled as much as I did.
I realize now how much it helped me
to work though things…even though I
did not feel prepared at the time…
you can’t be. There is no preparation.
There only is what there is.

But the journal helped.
Especially the little bits of gratefulness
scattered throughout it.

RANDOM THINGS I WAS GRATEFUL FOR - 2023 EDITION
(a sampling)

my red & white striped pjs
pineapple & ham on pizza
no water in basement
milk carton kids
sweater dresses
maple cookies
the crow and the clementine
pugs & cats sharing the same patch of sunlight
loud rumbly cars
dad’s good days
TMNT socks
the big orange house
my dad’s laugh/making my dad laugh (various versions of this)
lilacs
the chicken i saw crossing the road sunday
no headache
the flowers on the tree for one last season
baloney sandwiches
how dad resigned himself to the fact that i was not going to go home (she’s so stubborn)
his little jig
dad telling the lost paramedic story
emma’s tattoo for dad
soft crusty bread
motorcycle rides
making emma laugh
dad’s reaction to that room (and the couch that I could sleep on instead of a chair)
cozy girl playlist
me trying to light dad’s cigarette…and how hard we laughed
chickadees
surprise sesame street socks
salt sauna
hearing dad’s voice in videos
♥♥♥

whatcha readin'? {goal 40::books 8-10}

Still trying to catch up on this…
so here are books 810 and
no sad commentary this time.
♥

Slammed - Colleen Hoover
♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
I had no notes on this
but I don’t think it made a big impression on me.
It was….ok.
I think I was hoping for more
but I also read this at a stressful time
so that might have played into my
feelings as well.

The Book of Gothel - Mary McMyne
♥♥♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
This had everything I love…
beautiful, haunting writing,
fairy tale vibes obviously
as it is a retelling of rapunzel…
my notes were
"I didn’t want it to end”

Bone Black - bell hooks
♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
I enjoyed this but I have to admit
that it felt like short stories
and I have never done short stories well.

NEXT UP: 5 more (and one of them is a 5 heart rating!)