tuesday truths...the one where i babble

the truth is
i have been slipping.

i started january
with big plans
and lists and goals
and i did really well…
and then, i slipped a little.

but now i am getting back
on track…
the days are longer,
the snow is melting,
i am honing my lists
and sharpening my highighters
(ok, well, not really
cause…that’s kinda bad for them)

this means
i am going to try to get back
to the page again…
and out with the camera
and back to the little blue desk
and…
ummmmmm….
so….i might even
be shooting a wedding again!!!
:)

for a sweet girl who has been a
friend of the family
forever…
i couldn’t say no.
but i do feel rusty and nervous…
it’s been a long time.

but if you don’t push yourself,
you stay stuck…
and i don’t like to be stuck.

i feel alive and energetic
and excited…it’s a
good way to feel.
♥♥♥

tuesday truths...

• the truth is i have a home energy assessment thing
  scheduled for today
  and i am full of nervous anxiety…
  you forget what your house
  might look like to others,
  that don’t know you…
  that don’t know your story.
  it’s the broken-down ramp,
  the sketchy doors,
  the trimless upstairs windows,
  my well intentioned but somewhat sad
  attempts at spray foam,
  my clay basement,
  my muddy messy yard,
  my christmas tree still on the deck…
  not to mention the living room
  of smurfs, robots and
  hopeful vision boards.

• the truth is
  i feel like i move backwards
  almost as much as
  i move forward sometimes…
  i feel like sometimes
  after a big step forward,
  i am frozen for a bit.
  but i think that’s ok.
  it’s like finding your balance….
  it’s ok to rest a moment,
  get your bearings,
  reset your course if you have to…
  take a breath.
  stand still.

• the truth is
  it’s hard to push yourself
  out of your comfort zone
  but once you do it…
  it’s kinda freeing.
  exhilarating.
  yesterday i wanted to cancel
  this assessment…
  i wanted to cry…sulk…kick things…
  i was mad at myself for booking it…
  but i know
  that when it is over,
  i will feel so much better that i did it,
  whether it helps me or not financially,
  at least it’s done.
  :)

• the truth is
  i tend to turn
  little things
  into
  big things.
  heh.
  

tuesday truths....

the truth is
i find february hard…
long and slow and tedious.

i try to fill my days
and nights with books
and movies and music…
things that will inspire me,
filling the well if you read artist way…

i try to accept that
this
is the perfect time
to hibernate,
rejuvenate,
restore, renew, rest…
but i start to get
itchy feet…
i want to get out and about again.

i have to remind myself
that this will pass.
that the days will get longer.
and warmer.

and that i should take a cue
from finnegan
and just catnap
while i can…
and wherever i want. :)

tuesday truths...being present

as part of my
#glow2021
word for the year,
i have been trying to
be present
more of the time,
for all the little things
as well as the big.

noticing.
listening.
feeling.
absorbing.

i am trying to be conscious
of my day to day life….
of my fingers
clicking on the keyboard,
rolling the words
i want to say
around in my mouth
like candy,
sweet and sour,
soft and chewy.

i eat slower
focusing on each bite,
letting myself savor the saltiness,
the blackberries that burst with juice,
sip my tea slowly,
watching the steam curl above
the polka dot mug.

i put my phone on “focus” time…
no access to social media
helps me to fight the urge to
constantly check it
which was a hard itch not to scratch at first
but is getting easier
and makes me feel calmer.

i watch one show a night
so i have to be picky about what that will be.
then the rest of the night
is either reading, yoga, editing photos, drawing or
just listening to cowboy junkies
and leonard cohen
in the semi darkness of the remaining
christmas lights
in my living room
with a pug on one side
and a cat by my shoulder.

hot showers.
vanilla candles.
looking out the window for the sunrise,
for the sunset.
fuzzy socks.
early bedtimes with a heated blanket.
counting my breaths…
finding my focus,
listening and paying attention.

♥♥♥

tuesday truths...(the one where i use big words...)

there is
something
about online learning
or learning
new things
in general
that just makes me
so excited…
like…
weirdly so.

words like
stochastic components,
parameters,
velocity,
resistance,
randomness,
parity…..

quantitative,
synapses,
axon, neuron,
dendrites…
tessellation….

just give me
this strange little
adrenaline rush

like sugar
for my
brain.