taking a breath...

We were incredibly lucky
at the big orange house
as far as hurricane effing fiona went.

We lost one big tree in the back,
one of my prettiest trees
and I feel guilty even being sad
about that when so many people
lost so much more…
the destruction is heart breaking.

I can’t even look at it anymore.
I avoid facebook or tiktok or
anywhere that shows the
homes washed away,
the roofs blown off,
the destruction of beaches and
shoreline and wharves and boats
and dunes…bridges washed out completely,
flooding, power outages for days,
beautiful trees uprooted
and broken…
it hurts my heart
to see my island this way…

I know it can be fixed and rebuilt
to some degree but for now
I just can’t look anymore.
I don’t want to drive around in this..
and not just because it’s still dangerous to do so
but because
I think I would cry.

So instead,
I cope how I always cope…
avoidance & distraction.
Doodles of little geek girls with
stripey stocks and pig tails,
eating jello cups,
watching cartoons
and reading on the deck.

I hope everything is ok where you are.
That you are warm and fed and safe…
♥♥♥

friday i'm in love.....(but not with fiona....stupid hurricane head)

well….the hatches are battened
and there is chicken fricot on the stove,
fresh biscuits and cinnamon sugar donuts
from water street bakery,
frozen water bottles
ready to do double duty
as a cold back up if needed for food,
phones are charged,
all the animals are safe in the house,
even the roamer Finnegan the cat
though he is not happy about it.

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE…

♥ I know I said this before…but JELLO CUPS
♥ I finally watched Spiderman - No Way Home!!!! :)
♥ my new snoopy mug and lucky charms hot chocolate

♥ chicken fricot, french biscuits, cinnamon sugar donuts
♥ today was IPSY DELIVERY DAY!!!

♥ i need to do this more.
♥ beautiful words

Stay safe….see you on the flip side of fiona ♥♥♥

It's been a long, long time....

I’m not sure what happened.
Summer blew by me in the
blink of an eye.
Now it’s September,
the end of September at that
and I am trying to get myself
back into productive mode
but it’s been hard,
I won’t lie.

But every day,
I get at least one more stupid
grown up task
crossed off my
grown up list…
(and add 3 more, heh).

Some bullet point truths I have learned
(or in some cases, relearned)

• no name diet cola is pretty ok. It’ll do in a pinch.

• extreme weather still terrifies me & makes me want to cry

• i LOVE jello cups…like….LOOOOOVE

• routines and consistency calm me even though I fight them

• fine tip felt pens are ♥

• admitting you need help with something doesn’t mean you are weak…it’s not a flaw…it’s kinda sorta a strength….(but still awful hard to do).

Hoping that this stupid stupid head
hurricane fiona
gets downgraded or dissolves
or whatever it is stupid hurricanes do
to disappear….
I have books and diet coke,
a sump pump plan of action
and possibly a flashlight maybe….
I think I will hunker down
with a weighted blanket and
some jello cups, a couple cartoons
and a pug
until all this goes away.
♥

post-covid-brain

i feel stunned…
literally.
Like my brain is
working
in slow motion.

I feel like I am
in this weird state
of hyper awareness…
every breath I take
feels like a thought
to be considered…
my movements feel
measured and
careful,
like I am
thinking
too hard about everything
that I am doing
instead of just letting it
happen naturally…

It’s a weird feeling…
a feeling of being suspended.
I’m not tired
but I want to sleep
this feeling away…
I want to wake up
and feel sharp and alive…

It’s a weird feeling.

a slightly broken brain...and bit of honesty (& a very long post)

A couple of weeks ago,
I was given the opportunity
by a sweet, kind friend
to attend a photography week long experience
that I have always coveted
going to but honestly never
expected to be able to go.

When asked if I would like to attend
Dave Brosha’s Land & See
in my friend’s place…
well…honestly…I hesitated
pretty hard.
And that is a little odd for me.
I tend to be the girl that
says yes to things that
scare me
without really thinking
of the consequences
until usually moments before
I find myself doing something
that scares me.

But something was different this time.
I was really hesitant, nervous, scared, holding back.

But, in the end, I went.

I am not going to lie.
The first few days were hard.
Hard. I was so incredibly out of my comfort zone
in a million little ways…
a large group of people
which I automatically know I don’t do well with
because I am introverted and shy…
a great deal of very expensive equipment
which made me mad at myself for feeling
inadequate but yet felt inadequate all the same…
a lot of technical talk…f stops and shutter speeds
and ISO and apertures….which is kinda like
math for me….I can get the answer but only
on my own. If there is anyone else around,
my stupid brain automatically erases anything I knew
and giggles when I stutter…..

I would be lying if I said
the second day was better…
in fact, I stayed home the 3rd day.
But I did go back the 4th day
and the last day,
I finally relaxed.
I talked to people.
I laughed.
I loosened up just a little bit.
And I even stayed for the supper
that, had you asked me on Monday,
I would never have dreamt I would stay for…
(my brain also makes fun of me
when I eat in front of other people…)

NOW THE GOOD STUFF:

Because there was SO much good stuff.
Dave and Erin were so incredibly welcoming and friendly and fun.
The location was a beautiful old barn and the property was lovely.
The speakers were out of this frigging world awesome….
I mean seriously.
Mountain climbers, portraits, b&w, pets, adventure, editing, self portraits, families, film
so much goodness.
And everyone was so kind and sharing and down to earth…
The models were all so gracious and sweet and talented.
The meal was amazing.

The speakers were all amazing and inspirational in
sooooo many ways but I felt a real connection with
one of the presenters who does the most out of this
WORLD self portraits…she talked about using flickr
in the beginning which immediately caught my
attention because I used that too in the beginning….
and it reminded me of how fun the “beginning” was.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone
to talk to her and I am so happy that I did.
And at the end of the week, before I left,
I stopped to say good bye to her and her equally amazing partner
and she said “we saw you opening up and talking
to people…..and we were so proud of you.”
♥♥♥

It is a funny thing
to feel that you are unseen,
blendable, camoflaged in your quietness
and then to feel
seen.

I can’t explain it.
But it’s a hell of a good feeling.

And I realize now,
though I refused to see it at the time,
that I was likely not the
only “new” person there,
not the only person that felt
a little awkward and shy and inadequate
(by our own standards).

Hindsight is 20/20.

All in all, I am soooooo glad that
my kind friend allowed me to take his place for this
and that he kind of pushed me to go
when I was hesitant.
And if you have a chance to try something
like this, say yes.
Even if it scares you a little…or a lot.
It will be worth it in the end.

I am going to share some of the photos
I took during the “exercises”.
I will preface this with that I am “ok”
with how these turn out but not really “happy”
I am cutting myself some slack though.
I know my limitations.
I know that it is not in my nature
to participate closely in a group activity…
I am better on the sidelines…from a distance…
behind a tree….haha. I let my brain tell me
that I shouldn’t be there. And I listened.
It is what it is.

:)

And one last thing…
when I am out of my element with people,
I nervous-doodle…
usually geeky little self portraits
to make myself feel
less…..alone.
Heh.

Thanks for sticking with me
through all my weirdness.
♥♥♥