thinking out loud...looking for balance
Happy Saturday morning.
It’s been a sweet, quiet start to the day
for me…
just the way I like it.
I feel like this post
is going to be all over the place
as my brain feels a little scattered today,
jumping from one thought
to another,
with very little cohesiveness holding it all together.
Bear with me.
I had my tarot cards read last week
(seriously, if you haven’t done this,
go see this girl…so worth it!)
and she hit on a few things that resonated with me…
she said that balance seemed to be showing up
as a predominant theme in my cards.
This is true.
And she brought up creativity, the desire to
do more in this area of my life, the struggle
to not only make the time for it
but to also
let myself go…
to take myself seriously, to really sink into something.
My nature seems to be to
skim of the surface of things
but when they start to really work,
abandon them and move on to something else.
Part of me would write it off to an attention issue…
a scattery brain, all over the map
but I also know that part of it is fear.
If I take it seriously, then failure is a possibility.
If I say I am just “playing” then I have no accountability….
no expectation…it also soothes the side of me
that struggles with “who do you think you are?
what makes you think you can do this?
You doodle. You play. Grow up. This is not for you.”
This has been a common strategy in
more than one area in my life.
And I know it. I accept it even.
Hell. I embrace it.
Anyway, this is all to say that between
the messages I heard in the tarot cards,
and the fact that I have gotten some of the bigger “grown up things”
sorted out paired with the happiness of the days
slowly getting longer,
all of this makes me feel
ready to dive back into
the creative side…however that decides to show up…
and to make time for it, find that balance,
give it space to be serious if it wants…
but still fun.
I hope this sunny Saturday finds you
happy and content…
♥
a slightly broken brain...and bit of honesty (& a very long post)
A couple of weeks ago,
I was given the opportunity
by a sweet, kind friend
to attend a photography week long experience
that I have always coveted
going to but honestly never
expected to be able to go.
When asked if I would like to attend
Dave Brosha’s Land & See
in my friend’s place…
well…honestly…I hesitated
pretty hard.
And that is a little odd for me.
I tend to be the girl that
says yes to things that
scare me
without really thinking
of the consequences
until usually moments before
I find myself doing something
that scares me.
But something was different this time.
I was really hesitant, nervous, scared, holding back.
But, in the end, I went.
I am not going to lie.
The first few days were hard.
Hard. I was so incredibly out of my comfort zone
in a million little ways…
a large group of people
which I automatically know I don’t do well with
because I am introverted and shy…
a great deal of very expensive equipment
which made me mad at myself for feeling
inadequate but yet felt inadequate all the same…
a lot of technical talk…f stops and shutter speeds
and ISO and apertures….which is kinda like
math for me….I can get the answer but only
on my own. If there is anyone else around,
my stupid brain automatically erases anything I knew
and giggles when I stutter…..
I would be lying if I said
the second day was better…
in fact, I stayed home the 3rd day.
But I did go back the 4th day
and the last day,
I finally relaxed.
I talked to people.
I laughed.
I loosened up just a little bit.
And I even stayed for the supper
that, had you asked me on Monday,
I would never have dreamt I would stay for…
(my brain also makes fun of me
when I eat in front of other people…)
NOW THE GOOD STUFF:
Because there was SO much good stuff.
Dave and Erin were so incredibly welcoming and friendly and fun.
The location was a beautiful old barn and the property was lovely.
The speakers were out of this frigging world awesome….
I mean seriously.
Mountain climbers, portraits, b&w, pets, adventure, editing, self portraits, families, film
so much goodness.
And everyone was so kind and sharing and down to earth…
The models were all so gracious and sweet and talented.
The meal was amazing.
The speakers were all amazing and inspirational in
sooooo many ways but I felt a real connection with
one of the presenters who does the most out of this
WORLD self portraits…she talked about using flickr
in the beginning which immediately caught my
attention because I used that too in the beginning….
and it reminded me of how fun the “beginning” was.
I pushed myself out of my comfort zone
to talk to her and I am so happy that I did.
And at the end of the week, before I left,
I stopped to say good bye to her and her equally amazing partner
and she said “we saw you opening up and talking
to people…..and we were so proud of you.”
♥♥♥
It is a funny thing
to feel that you are unseen,
blendable, camoflaged in your quietness
and then to feel
seen.
I can’t explain it.
But it’s a hell of a good feeling.
And I realize now,
though I refused to see it at the time,
that I was likely not the
only “new” person there,
not the only person that felt
a little awkward and shy and inadequate
(by our own standards).
Hindsight is 20/20.
All in all, I am soooooo glad that
my kind friend allowed me to take his place for this
and that he kind of pushed me to go
when I was hesitant.
And if you have a chance to try something
like this, say yes.
Even if it scares you a little…or a lot.
It will be worth it in the end.
I am going to share some of the photos
I took during the “exercises”.
I will preface this with that I am “ok”
with how these turn out but not really “happy”
I am cutting myself some slack though.
I know my limitations.
I know that it is not in my nature
to participate closely in a group activity…
I am better on the sidelines…from a distance…
behind a tree….haha. I let my brain tell me
that I shouldn’t be there. And I listened.
It is what it is.
:)
And one last thing…
when I am out of my element with people,
I nervous-doodle…
usually geeky little self portraits
to make myself feel
less…..alone.
Heh.
Thanks for sticking with me
through all my weirdness.
♥♥♥
perfect storms....
you ever have the
perfect storm
brewing….like a boatload of
stress, sucky cramps,
surprise extra mammograms
when you thought you were
just going for an ultrasound
and you were so
sure it was only an
ultrasound
that you argue
with the receptionist
and when you realize
she is likely more
knowledgeable than you are
about said appointment
you loudly moan
nooooooooooooooooo
in your most whiniest voice
in the middle of
a large group
of people….
oh, and your massage therapist
throws in the towel
because you have let your
trigger point
amass for like 15 years
even though
you had coverage
but just
chose
not to use it and now
said trigger point
is invested…it is attached to you,
it is stubborn and jerky and
painful
and does not want to leave
so
the next option
is apparently dry needling
which sounds like eff no
and reminds you that
your mom called to see if
you booked your vaccine yet
likely because
she remembers that time
that you cried your way out of the
german measles needle in
grade eight
and is expecting you
to pull that stunt again…
(in my defense, the nurse
told me if i didn’t calm down
and relax the NEEDLE
MIGHT BREAK OFF
IN MY ARM…
that is not how you calm a person.
sorry.)
plus it rained a lot
and all of this resulted in
a cluster of headaches
that forced me to
try cold medicine
(don’t ask, i get desperate…)
which knocked out the headache
but also made me
all stupid and delayed reactions
for about 22.5 hours.
the point of this story
is that a friend
innocently asked me if
the sesame street lego
might be a limited edition
which immediately put me in
panic mode
thinking
what if i wait til i “earn” the points/money
BUT THEN IT’S ALL GONE
AND I CAN NEVER HAVE IT?!
so i ordered it.
but i haven’t colored in my
sticker chart yet
so
i won’t let myself open the box.
i am so mean.
(I REALLY WANNA OPEN THE BOX!!!!!!)
but i have 17 points left to earn.
and to bring the story full circle,
today is the first day
that i feel
human again…
and can start working on my points again…
(BUT I REALLY REALLY REALLY
JUST WANNNNNNNA OPEN THE
DAMNNNNN BOXXXXX)
and…a doodle….
to distract you
from my craziness.
:)
lazy rainy sundaze...
it has been a bit of a
rainy sunday...
the sun seems to be trying to
push its way out of the clouds now
but for most of the day,
i have found myself inside...
with extra time on my hands.
i haven't been doing any doodling.
at first, it was because, a while back,
i had some very strange dizzy spells...
or maybe vertigo...
kind of like hangover bed spins
but without the fun the night before.
eventually, they decreased in severity
but seemed to come back when i would
look down which meant
i couldn't write, doodle and even taking photos
with the big camera was difficult.
i did go to the doctor
but it was about 3 weeks after the worst of it...
she did some neurological tests
and everything seemed to be ok
although i was still getting dizzy quite often at the time.
but...long story short...
i seem to feel fine now!
but then
it was so sunny and warm outside
that i just couldn't seem to make myself
sit inside at the desk and play
until today...
so here's a little fairy.
:)
i feel a little rusty but also kind of excited to get back to
paper and pen and watercolors again.
also, i am playing along with an instagram challenge
that susannah conway has created
called #augustbreak
which has daily prompts...it's been a long time
since i have done one of these and so far,
i am really enjoying it!
if you are on instagram, check it out!
and...just a few photos from North Rustico...
my sister in law & her husband recently invited us to stay
at a cottage with them for a night or two...
which meant some early morning shots of flowers
(there were other photos taken but alcohol-driven-dance-offs
are not so pretty the next day...)
and...because today is today...
and this weighs heavy on my mind...
don't drink and drive.
call a cab, a friend, your mom, your friend's mom...
sleep on someone's couch, walk home, hitch a ride...
call your ex, your buddy, the next door neighbor, your mailman...
whatever...
just don't drink and drive.
(i like to remember her best on her birthday...
this day only makes me sad for what could have been...)