friday i'm in love....the one in which i wax poetic about my broken down house...

there is something about
being home
that just makes me
incredibly happy.

my house is not fancy…hell…
it’s not even finished.
half a string of christmas lights
still hang over the door
and bang against the window
but i like the little flash of bright colors
against the white of the snow outside.

i have water damage on the ceiling
and a makeshift ramp
to get to the leaking
front door…the same front door
you have to slam
to make sure it’s shut.
there’s a pumpkin head
with a top hat that was carved out of
one of our trees years ago
and i can’t bear to move it…
the kitchen faucet sprays like a geyser
and the countertop is broken…
one plug doesn’t work
and i am missing light fixtures
and baseboard
and have a couple holes in the wall…

oh. and i am pretty sure something might be
living
in the attic but i try not to think about that.

yet there is no place else i want to be.

every hole, every crack, every broken bit
holds a memory...a funny story…
a secret no one else knows.

i am home
and the freezing rain is pelting
against the windows,
the cat is sleeping on my computer chair,
the heater ticks and whirs behind me
while i listen to ben howard
and click away at the keyboard
thinking about how
happy i am
to be home.

currently loving:

♥ my newly decluttered little blue desk space
♥ ben howard
♥ lemon, garlic and olive oil…on everything
♥ such a great idea!
♥ getting back to the bullet journal
♥ sunflower seeds
♥ this made me cry…just a little tiny bit
♥ this made me cry just a little bit more

happy freezing rain friday….stay warm. :)

friday i'm in love...with 2020...

It’s a brand new year.

I love a fresh start.
I love resolutions and goals and plans and lists.
And I especially love the sound of
2020.

It just sounds balanced and even and fair.

2019 was not an awful year for me.
It wasn’t the greatest, by any definition of the word,
but it could have been worse.
2019 forced me to grow and learn in ways
I wasn’t sure I was capable of.

It was a year of healing but, just for kicks,
the house decided to also make it the year it would
throw major temper tantrums
and force me to replace an oil tank, get the furnace fixed,
buy a new washer and dryer, cut down ALL the trees
in the back yard AND replace the roof.

Which sucked at the time, but I look at it now and think…
I’m still here. I’m still standing. And most days, I’m even still smiling.

And that feels pretty friggin’ good. :)

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If you have been here before, you know I pick a word every January
to use as a bit of a compass for the rest of the year.
Last year, I chose unfold and, honestly, it was perfect.
I went into 2019 not sure how a lot of things were going to pan out…
I wasn’t sure I would be able to stay in the house after 2 financial advisors
told me that there was no way I would be able to do it on my own.
I wasn’t sure I could handle the house even if I did stay in it.
Also, I was dating but unsure if I was really ready for that either.

I was just really, really unsure of everything that I had once been certain of.

And my nature is to plan/list/mindmap/analyze my way through things
but I decided to just let this year unfold.
And that was the perfect decision. It gave me the flexibility
to put myself out there but also the safety net to pull back if I needed to.
No expectations. No set goals. Just take it as it comes.

The allowance to unfold served its need in 2019
but now…I am ready for more.
I think I have been quietly building a foundation for some bigger goals
and now it’s time to throw in the match
and ignite 2020.

I am ready mentally to push myself harder this year in some of the areas
that I have just been treading water in…mainly…on the creative side.
I have some big goals and plans and intentions for 2020.

Ignite just felt like the right amount of heat and excitement
and butterflies in my belly. I am kind of looking forward to 2020.

And thanks for coming along on my long winded, sometimes
overly scenic, slightly wordy no-map drive. I definitely appreciate your company. :)

it's only wednesday but....

I have had a very good week or two…

I have sold every card that I have painted
sometimes before the paint was even dry.

I watched a Christmas cartoon so pretty and poignant
that it made me cry…happy tears…but tears regardless.

Hot, crisp egg rolls.

Sleeping so much better every night thanks to this…
I am telling you, this is like magic for me. I hardly ever hear
the whole twelve minutes and I am out like a light. I have been raving about it
for a while and today Cam texted me to say he tried it last night,
skeptically, but that it worked for him, too! :)

A surprise drive to look at Christmas lights…and
the best house I have ever seen with lights that went in time to music…
I could have stayed there for hours,
or at least, until it felt too creepy to be sitting in front of a stranger’s house…
and the grand finale…a hot fudge sticky sundae with nuts from mcdonalds…
(PLUS I get to check “look at Christmas lights” off my Embrace Winter list)

A yearly tradition of shopping with my mom & sister in law…
I am not a big shopper, I go for the conversation and giggles,
& also because my mom always buys us hot chocolate and a doughnut after
(unless you willingly decide to have spinach…yes..little jab
to my sister in law but she loves me…heehee)
but this year, I spilled half a hot chocolate on my face, shirt, pants & table. Heh.
Can’t take me anywhere fancy.

A surprise gift left for me at work…a charlie brown Christmas tree AND A LINUS BLANKET
TO WRAP AROUND IT!!!

A couple of Christmas lunches with co-workers and friends…and one
where I got to defend my bowling championship (3 years running) but…
by losing it at curling. Blah. Whatever…I am still reigning bowling champion.
You can’t take that away from me.
(PLUS I get to check “try curling” off my Embrace Winter list)

A surprise bag of sweet cookies from someone I sold a card to and then got home
to my neighbor dropping off another unexpected but very much appreciated plate of goodies!!

And … then there was this…
sometimes someone
can surprise you…
can catch you so off guard…
can do something so sweet
& unexpected
that it brings you to tears.

I came home to a FULL TANK OF OIL today
and a surprise gift in my mailbox
from 2 of the sweetest Christmas elves ever…
I am not going to lie
that I might have been a little teary…
this was so something so unexpected
and totally unnecessary but
so incredibly sweet & thoughtful and, well…

I am literally at a loss for words
and I think we all agree that is a rare occurrence.

I might have come in to 2019 with a bit of a rough start
but going out is definitely feeling a little less scary. :)

embrace winter...

the first day of december…

I have been thinking
that this year
I might try something different.

Every year, I fight winter tooth and nail.
I hate the cold.
I hate bundling up. I hate shovelling.
I hate worrying if there is oil in the tank.
I hate, I hate and I hate.

But this year, I am going to turn that around.

I am going to embrace winter.
(ok. Let me re-phrase that. I am going to try my hardest to embrace winter).

I made a list (cause….you know…I love a good list…)
(plus…added bonus…some of these are also on my fifty before fifty…
so DOUBLE WHAMMY…wait…is a double whammy a good thing? haha)

EMBRACE WINTER

• hot drink recipes

• ice skating

• sledding

• cross country skiing

• downhill skiing (which i should leave til the last cause I will probably break a bone)

• snow shoes complete! ♥

• marvel movie marathon

• bake cookies complete! ♥

• make a snowman army

• make a puzzle

• cut out snowflakes

• go bowling

• winter bonfire

• board game night

• pj party

• walks outside…get sunlight/vitamin d when you can

• try curling complete! ♥

• make a winter playlist

• make snow angels

• get a new candle

• sauna/hot tub nights

• tubing

• make a snow fort

• have a snowball fight

• nap by a fireplace

• bubble bath

• blanket fort pj popcorn cartoon nights

• read SOOO many books

• go look at Christmas lights complete! ♥

I think that should cover this winter. :)
but it occurred to me that A LOT of these would be much more fun
if done with other people soooo…I may be
looking for willing (or slightly unwilling) volunteers…heehee.

I actually took pugsley out for a wintry walk on the trails today
as an attempt to get a good start on this list right away…
and honestly…it was by far the best choice I could have made today.

and see…in the spirit of “embracing” winter,
I bought myself a pretty red shovel.
……………………………………………………….

oh…and unrelated-but-must-be-said…
the response to this story about my geek girl ink cards
in one of our local papers has blown my mind…
in a very good way. :) I was completely surprised
and sooooo incredibly happy with all the comments, likes,
emails, orders and support.

My heart is full. ♥ Thank you!!!!

life is a decision....

i wrote on the very last page of this journal today.

i was hoping it would take me to the end of december
so i could start a new year with a brand new book
but, i couldn’t make it stretch that far.
i need to write in it every day.

i started this journal in 2017.

part of me wants to burn it.

i have never felt that way about a journal before
but this one just holds so much hurt and sadness
and pieces of a broken smashed up heart.

but…
it also holds a fucking ton of progress.

i try not dwell on the past.
i am a big fan of “what’s done is done…move forward…even if it’s just baby steps”
some days, i’ll admit, that is easier to do than others….
but this little red book holds all my baby steps…
and all my backward slides, too.

but backward slides are to be expected.
in the front of the book, once upon a time, i had written
life is a decision.
and it really is.
every day i decide i am going to find at least
one thing that will make me
laugh really, really hard
and honestly, i meet that goal
every frigging day (usually at my own expense, but still…hahaha)

life is way too short to be sad…
there is ice cream to be eaten, books to be read, music to discover
and dirt roads to be explored…candy stores, gravel pits, road trips…
best friends, beaches, shooting stars, rainbow socks, happy meals…

i am grateful for what i had, we had a lot of really good years….
and two of the sweetest bestest kids i could ever imagine resulted from that…
i would have been lost without them…
and i am grateful that there has been no drama, no anger during the separation…
that had made it easier for sure…for all of us…
but now it’s ok to be excited about the possibilities…
what could the next big adventure be, peewee…
life is a decision.
will you turn right or left?
:)

i got this journal last year for christmas from someone special
and last night, i bought a new purple pen
cause…purple just makes me happy.
and i think we have established
i like to be happy.
:)

so bring on the new year….for once, i’m ready early.
heehee