farewell to 2022....

i know that sounds dramatic
but….
i’m allowed.

i have been sick.
that’s gotta buy me some
artistic liberties, i think. :)

all in all,
2022 was actually a pretty good for year
for me.

a bit of a recap in bullet point form:

• got a new laptop named iris

• tried chef’s plate with mostly success

• made a smurf display in the corner cabinet

• watched roughly 19 years of grey’s anatomy IN ONE YEAR

• wisdom tooth extracted after about 9 years of “it’s fine”….

• survived COVID (August - made me miss family camping)

• survived pneumonia (December - SO MUCH WORSE than COVID)

• purple hair in various iterations

• read 38 books! (goal was 35)

• survived fiona with one tree down & a mcgyvered sub pump

• rebuilt the deck with Cam’s help

• painted many things in my front yard purple, orange & yellow, including the door (purple)

• my dad’s emergency surgery scare

• did the wellness cocoon, acupuncture, chiropractor & may have gotten a family dr

• brought home samir the squishmallow, a car tent, a pink car mattress & a hammock

• got a park pass, went roadtripping — Wolfville with Cathy; Isle Madam with Andrea; and Cabot Trail with my brothers & wives & island-tripping with old friends home from away Angela & Chris

• got coyote spray and reclaimed the trails!!!!

• saw the skydiggers again with Cathy, heehee

• pushed out of my comfort zone with 80’s rollerskating!! and the Land & See photography workshops!!

• had a totally sweet and unexpected surprise on my birthday

• did the grown up stuff — Bell cell phone saga; got the furnace cleaned; replaced a door knob ALL BY MYSELF

• saw an almost really big murmuration!!

• listened to 182, 207 minutes of music

• sat wayyyyyyy too close to the fireworks; went to the parade; stock cars and smash up derby; minions movie; (all of this by myself and that’s ok) :)

i did some creative stuff, too, but….
not really enough to talk about.

painted some cards…did most of a month of inktober…
started a floral alphabet, finished nothing.

but that’s ok.
some years you do, some years you don’t.

but…..i kinda feel excited about 2023….
i have plans and goals and aspirations and
i feel all butterflies-in-my-belly
when i think about it,
and THAT is a good way to feel
about a new year coming in.

i hope the end of december
finds you happy and loved and
full of turkey dinners and
super sweet cupcakes…

and sending you all the best for 2023!

taking a breath...

We were incredibly lucky
at the big orange house
as far as hurricane effing fiona went.

We lost one big tree in the back,
one of my prettiest trees
and I feel guilty even being sad
about that when so many people
lost so much more…
the destruction is heart breaking.

I can’t even look at it anymore.
I avoid facebook or tiktok or
anywhere that shows the
homes washed away,
the roofs blown off,
the destruction of beaches and
shoreline and wharves and boats
and dunes…bridges washed out completely,
flooding, power outages for days,
beautiful trees uprooted
and broken…
it hurts my heart
to see my island this way…

I know it can be fixed and rebuilt
to some degree but for now
I just can’t look anymore.
I don’t want to drive around in this..
and not just because it’s still dangerous to do so
but because
I think I would cry.

So instead,
I cope how I always cope…
avoidance & distraction.
Doodles of little geek girls with
stripey stocks and pig tails,
eating jello cups,
watching cartoons
and reading on the deck.

I hope everything is ok where you are.
That you are warm and fed and safe…
♥♥♥

It's been a long, long time....

I’m not sure what happened.
Summer blew by me in the
blink of an eye.
Now it’s September,
the end of September at that
and I am trying to get myself
back into productive mode
but it’s been hard,
I won’t lie.

But every day,
I get at least one more stupid
grown up task
crossed off my
grown up list…
(and add 3 more, heh).

Some bullet point truths I have learned
(or in some cases, relearned)

• no name diet cola is pretty ok. It’ll do in a pinch.

• extreme weather still terrifies me & makes me want to cry

• i LOVE jello cups…like….LOOOOOVE

• routines and consistency calm me even though I fight them

• fine tip felt pens are ♥

• admitting you need help with something doesn’t mean you are weak…it’s not a flaw…it’s kinda sorta a strength….(but still awful hard to do).

Hoping that this stupid stupid head
hurricane fiona
gets downgraded or dissolves
or whatever it is stupid hurricanes do
to disappear….
I have books and diet coke,
a sump pump plan of action
and possibly a flashlight maybe….
I think I will hunker down
with a weighted blanket and
some jello cups, a couple cartoons
and a pug
until all this goes away.
♥

post-covid-brain

i feel stunned…
literally.
Like my brain is
working
in slow motion.

I feel like I am
in this weird state
of hyper awareness…
every breath I take
feels like a thought
to be considered…
my movements feel
measured and
careful,
like I am
thinking
too hard about everything
that I am doing
instead of just letting it
happen naturally…

It’s a weird feeling…
a feeling of being suspended.
I’m not tired
but I want to sleep
this feeling away…
I want to wake up
and feel sharp and alive…

It’s a weird feeling.

deep sunday thoughts...a tiny confession...and one bad word

I keep thinking I am going to get
to this page more…
and then I don’t.

I trip, I stumble,
I post 3 times in a row…
I don’t post for a month.

I write posts in my head
but they don’t make it to the keyboard….
they leak out of my brain
along with payments due
and grocery lists and
lyrics I thought I would always remember.

Age is a funny thing.

I never cared much about my age…
I always felt younger than what the numbers
on my license add up to…
but lately, I see changes I don’t like…
a flabby neck, weight that gathers quicker
and stays longer, deep lined creases
that go beyond smile lines.

And mostly….I am ok with that.
Mostly I am ok with me.

But some days, I feel an inkling of fear,
trailing me, tracking me…
whispering what if you are always alone….
or is that what you really want?

(and I don’t know the answer)

52 is starting to feel like
the awkwardness of 15 again.

I don’t know how to dress my age,
I don’t know how to be me anymore,
I don’t know what this me is supposed to look like.
I don’t know what she wants to look like
because she is fickle and undecided and
happy as can be and yet painfully lonely,
content and positive but scared as hell in the middle of the night….
some days she wants to move to the country,
get some power tools, dress only in overalls
and let her hair get as long and tangly as it wants
while she goes around with dirty bare feet
and paints everything purple
and polka dotted.

And some days, she wants to drive away from everything
and cover the rear view mirror with thick black paint
so she can never look back.

52 is a funny age.
Maybe even more so
when one is alone
and the decisions are
not driven by anyone else….

I am driving my own ship…
I chart the waters, I choose the direction…
I can push it forward,
or I can run it aground…

Either way….it’s all on me.

That’s both liberating…
and fucking terrifying.

Anyway, once more…not what I came here to write
but these are the words that came out
so I share them
just in case someone out there
might be able to relate.
*waving hello & yelling “we got this!” if you are in this boat too.

maybe none of us are alone

or maybe….we all are.
♥