the search for the PERFECT ADVENTURE BACKPACK.....

i was all prepared
for a wordless wednesday post
but then
i realized
it’s actually thursday
(and technically,
it’s kinda my friday
since i am off tomorrow.)
:)

it’s a rainy, cool evening
and i am determined to find
the
PERFECT ADVENTURE BACKPACK.

this has been on my list
of things to do for months.

here’s the thing.
it needs to be cute
but functional….
can be worn with jeans
or a dress….
but doesn’t hurt my shoulders…
and it needs to carry:
- a journal/notebook
- a small pencil case (possibly 2)
- an emergency can of diet coke
- sunscreen
- candy
- bug spray
- lip smacker (root beer flavor)
- a snack
- car keys
- my phone
- a handful of smurfs
- coyote spray (& that needs to be easily accessible)
- headphones
- my wallet or at least my debit card…

this has been wayyyyyy harder than
i anticipated.
i have literally been looking for
MONTHS.

the perfect backpack is out there
waiting for me,
i just know it.

maybe tonight’s my night.

{{also i just realized that
i have literally put THIS much more energy
into finding the perfect backpack
than I ever have in dating
or finding a relationship…
heh.
not even gonna analyze that….}}

and then it was sunday and the week was over...

but what a good week it was.

the truth is
sometimes
you get caught up in the
i SHOULD be
doing/wanting/buying/needing/completing
and you
kind of
forget
that you can be
perfectly happy
just
being.

i spent a lot of time
this weekend
just being…
reading in cars by the water,
eating sugary lemon filled doughnuts,
climbing rocks in the cold
on a quiet, barren beach,
binge watching a show that i have been hoarding,
playing with the camera on my phone,
singing loud and driving slow while convincing
myself NOT to try to try the dirt roads yet….
and mostly
just being by myself.

and it was a very good week.

Robin’s lemon filled doughnuts are my favorite.

jellybean got a little dirty…but it’s happy dirt… :)

this show. oh my heart. this show.

and now i am finishing off the week
planning a new week
and drinking caramel drizzle coffee
with lots and lots and lots of hazelnut creamer…

happy april!! let’s see what kinda trouble we can find this month! :)
♥♥♥

is everyone like this?

or am i broken a little bit? heh.

this is how many directions i have gone in today:
(to be precise, within the last 2 hours)::

making a to do/goal list for next week
which led to making a spring bucket list
including a possible large scale chalk on the street project,
planting marigolds with the tomatoes
should i repaint the raised beds
oh i need to get a ladder so that i can touch up the
paint on the house
so i should get some more gravel
for the walkway
which led to googling
how to make my own concrete
and then wondering when do strawberries
come out and oh!
i should build a small greenhouse
OR a greenhouse/TREEHOUSE
and i need to get rid of all the winter
coats i didn’t wear this year
is it cold out now, maybe i should go for a walk
but if i build a bird feeder can you even still feed the
birds or is that not allowed but i could
turn that green birdcage into a little dollhouse
kind of thing and where did i put the lights
that i bought for the sesame street lego
and oh! could i try embroidery?
also why do i feel like i am getting a headache.

maybe i’ll take a nap.

it’s not just me, right?
this is normal brain traffic, i think.
or just nod halfheartedly and i’ll
move on to something else shiny in
a minute or two.

thinking thoughts out loud...as i often do

I just renewed this website
and the cost was higher than I had intended
(my fault for not paying attention)
so now I feel like I better start using it
to make good on the extra money I accidentally put into it.

But also the brighter longer days
are making me dizzy with
excitement…there are so many things
I want to do…
so many things that I struggle to focus
on just one thing
to settle down on doing…
and instead I make list after list
of what I could be doing
instead of actually doing anything….

But….baby steps. :)

I have been writing this blog for a long time.
I don’t really do it for any reason other than
as a way to document my life for me…
it’s a way to push myself to do things…
to find ways to be creative.
I am not going to be famous….I don’t need a huge readership…
I am not looking for likes or follows or shares but I do love the
connections it occasionally brings me.
I just want to be able to look back and smile
and think
oh….I remember that day.

I remember feeling that way.

I remember doing/making/seeing/hearing/eating that. :)

All that said,
I am going to come here more often….
and I am going to use this to push myself
to not just make the lists
but actually COMPLETE something on said list.

I’d love it if you come along for the journey
but only if you wanna.
If this kinda thing feels cringey to you…
selfies and affirmations and slightly sad attempts
at poetry and lopsided sketches
and a multitude of photos of candy, ice cream and doughnuts
then….
you might want to avoid this page.
And I’ll totally understand. Heh.
♥

But it’s about to get messy.
And real. But fun.
Cause at 52, I can’t keep worrying what
other people think….
I started life as the “weird” kid in class,
I may as well keep going. Consistency is key.
:)

funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.