there was a time when i thought
i would never
be happy
again.
i want to say that i always knew
that i would be
ok
but even that
is not true…not fully true,
if i am 100 per cent perfectly, brutally and completely
fucking honest.
i can’t lie.
i had some very dark moments
back when my life felt like it
was starting to really crumble
around me,
a house of cards
slip-sliding away from me
and no matter how tightly
i held on,
it wasn’t tight enough.
things felt out of my control,
and i don’t like that feeling…
not at all.
i remember driving that white rental car
late one night
driving way too fast
on roads i didn’t know
in the dark
and every tree on the side of the road
looked like a reprieve,
like i could just veer hard to the right
and slam myself into not feeling
this way
anymore…
every oncoming set of lights
from a transfer truck
looked like an invitation,
an escape,
a solution.
i was scared.
petrified. terrified. sad. hurt. crushed.
laid bare.
I couldn’t do it that night
or any of the following nights
that i took that same drive.
the kids.
i couldn’t.
for a long time after that,
after i stopped taking that late night drive
i was better - on the outside - i was functional…
but on the inside
i was hollow.
empty.
a shell.
i was just going through the motions.
but this morning
i sat down to journal
and thought…
i am honestly truly so fucking happy
right now.
i am happy.
i am not pretending to be happy.
I am happy.
2.5 years later.
when they tell you time heals
and you feel like
throat punching them
because you are
in the thick of it and
”time heals”
feels like garbage
and a cliche
and useless and like
what you say
when you don’t know
what else to say…
but
it’s true.
or at least, it was for me.
(This is in no way a slight or blame on
anyone…marriages end everyday.
it’s a fact. even 20 year marriages.
life happens. we grow, we change, we move on…
and i am grateful EVERY DAY
for the 20 years we had…
i would not change a day
and i do not regret a moment of it ♥ )
but i do think about this
all the time
when i look at other people…
and think
i don’t know their story…
i think about it all the time
when i remember how
secretive i was…
i have never ever told anyone
about those nights in the
rental car…
and i don’t say it here for
drama or pity or whatever…
i can say it now because
i am so far past it.
i have been very lucky in my life…
i have a strong network of friends and family
that would have happily supported me
if i had let them in.
(but it’s hard to admit that you are broken…)
but it’s just that
we don’t always know
what others,
even those closest to us,
are going through.
and to be kind.
you never know
when that little bit of kindness
could be the tipping point
in the right direction.
(and if you are broken right now…
it’s ok to admit that you are broken…
it really is. It really is ok to not be ok.)
enough sappiness for one saturday.
the sun is shining,
my camera is calling me.
there are adventures to be had
and doughnuts to be eaten.
:)
