the search for the PERFECT ADVENTURE BACKPACK.....

i was all prepared
for a wordless wednesday post
but then
i realized
it’s actually thursday
(and technically,
it’s kinda my friday
since i am off tomorrow.)
:)

it’s a rainy, cool evening
and i am determined to find
the
PERFECT ADVENTURE BACKPACK.

this has been on my list
of things to do for months.

here’s the thing.
it needs to be cute
but functional….
can be worn with jeans
or a dress….
but doesn’t hurt my shoulders…
and it needs to carry:
- a journal/notebook
- a small pencil case (possibly 2)
- an emergency can of diet coke
- sunscreen
- candy
- bug spray
- lip smacker (root beer flavor)
- a snack
- car keys
- my phone
- a handful of smurfs
- coyote spray (& that needs to be easily accessible)
- headphones
- my wallet or at least my debit card…

this has been wayyyyyy harder than
i anticipated.
i have literally been looking for
MONTHS.

the perfect backpack is out there
waiting for me,
i just know it.

maybe tonight’s my night.

{{also i just realized that
i have literally put THIS much more energy
into finding the perfect backpack
than I ever have in dating
or finding a relationship…
heh.
not even gonna analyze that….}}

thinking thoughts out loud...as i often do

I just renewed this website
and the cost was higher than I had intended
(my fault for not paying attention)
so now I feel like I better start using it
to make good on the extra money I accidentally put into it.

But also the brighter longer days
are making me dizzy with
excitement…there are so many things
I want to do…
so many things that I struggle to focus
on just one thing
to settle down on doing…
and instead I make list after list
of what I could be doing
instead of actually doing anything….

But….baby steps. :)

I have been writing this blog for a long time.
I don’t really do it for any reason other than
as a way to document my life for me…
it’s a way to push myself to do things…
to find ways to be creative.
I am not going to be famous….I don’t need a huge readership…
I am not looking for likes or follows or shares but I do love the
connections it occasionally brings me.
I just want to be able to look back and smile
and think
oh….I remember that day.

I remember feeling that way.

I remember doing/making/seeing/hearing/eating that. :)

All that said,
I am going to come here more often….
and I am going to use this to push myself
to not just make the lists
but actually COMPLETE something on said list.

I’d love it if you come along for the journey
but only if you wanna.
If this kinda thing feels cringey to you…
selfies and affirmations and slightly sad attempts
at poetry and lopsided sketches
and a multitude of photos of candy, ice cream and doughnuts
then….
you might want to avoid this page.
And I’ll totally understand. Heh.
♥

But it’s about to get messy.
And real. But fun.
Cause at 52, I can’t keep worrying what
other people think….
I started life as the “weird” kid in class,
I may as well keep going. Consistency is key.
:)

funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.

thinking out loud...looking for balance

Happy Saturday morning.

It’s been a sweet, quiet start to the day
for me…
just the way I like it.

I feel like this post
is going to be all over the place
as my brain feels a little scattered today,
jumping from one thought
to another,
with very little cohesiveness holding it all together.

Bear with me.

I had my tarot cards read last week
(seriously, if you haven’t done this,
go see this girl…so worth it!)
and she hit on a few things that resonated with me…
she said that balance seemed to be showing up
as a predominant theme in my cards.
This is true.
And she brought up creativity, the desire to
do more in this area of my life, the struggle
to not only make the time for it
but to also
let myself go…
to take myself seriously, to really sink into something.

My nature seems to be to
skim of the surface of things
but when they start to really work,
abandon them and move on to something else.
Part of me would write it off to an attention issue…
a scattery brain, all over the map
but I also know that part of it is fear.
If I take it seriously, then failure is a possibility.
If I say I am just “playing” then I have no accountability….
no expectation…it also soothes the side of me
that struggles with “who do you think you are?
what makes you think you can do this?
You doodle. You play. Grow up. This is not for you.”

This has been a common strategy in
more than one area in my life.
And I know it. I accept it even.
Hell. I embrace it.

Anyway, this is all to say that between
the messages I heard in the tarot cards,
and the fact that I have gotten some of the bigger “grown up things”
sorted out paired with the happiness of the days
slowly getting longer,
all of this makes me feel
ready to dive back into
the creative side…however that decides to show up…
and to make time for it, find that balance,
give it space to be serious if it wants…
but still fun.

I hope this sunny Saturday finds you
happy and content…
♥

cause i am dorky....but you knew that....that's why we are friends...

Every year,
I choose one word
to be a compass for the year….
some years, it works out
fantastically (like glow! and adventure!),
other years can be a bit of a bust.

Last year my word was Resolve…
which was ok…i mean…it worked….
I did some grown up stuff,
and I came to terms with some stuff
about me and who I am/was/hope to be.

But I didn’t really feel like it
lit a fire under me…it was just….
ok as a word.

This year, I chose CULTIVATE…

And I am pretty excited about this.
I feel like this is the year
I start to put the broken pieces of myself
that I have been picking up off the floor
and digging out from under the bed
and finding tucked into the back corner
of the closet
and start nurturing them, putting them back together,
to nourish and love and encourage
the little geek girl in me…heh.

This year will see a resurgence
of the 50 in my 50’s list
(see how flexibly I keep adapting the
title to make it work with my procrastination….heh)…
I want to be a year
of learning and growth and
deepening my current friendships/relationships
and being open to new ones.

I want it to be year of loving life…
embracing it fully and if you are in my life,
be prepared for my attention and affection
and hopes that you will join me
in grabbing this year
by the throat and loving it hard and with feeling.
(yeah, sometimes I am overly dramatic…)

Life is short.
What matters to me right now
are the people in my life…
the experiences we share,
the adventures, the connections…
I want to look back at 2023
and feel a full heart,
to know I lived a year in
honesty and vulnerability…
with my pollyanna positively annoying attitude
and that every day,
I tried to make someone somewhere smile,
even just a little bit….
cause that makes me smile, too.

Sooooooooooooo….
consider this fair warning…
oh, and if you are up for
paintballing, rockclimbing
or tandem skydiving,
let me know.
heehee.
:)