decembeREST

I have been thinking a little bit.
This Christmas is going to be different for me…
even more different than the
last two have been.
This is the first year that 25 will be working
on Christmas Day.

I have never not had the kids here
Christmas morning.

But I know that Christmas will likely be different
this year
for a lot of us…

If the separation taught me anything, though,
it showed me that just because things aren’t how they have always been…
that doesn’t mean that they can’t still be good.
You just have to redefine and realign.
Look for the positives,
feel the negatives if you have to…but don’t focus on them.

The other thing I have been thinking about
is that online dating has not been bringing me
much joy or happiness lately.
I feel like it’s become…meh. Boring. Annoying.
A distraction that served its purpose
when I needed it the most
but right now…I’m very, very happy.
I’m content.
And now I feel that what began as an intended distraction
is now really a distraction from where I actually want to
be spending my time.

So, I have decided for the month of December
I am going to delete the dating app and limit my social media…
I will still post on social media because, honestly, that fuels my creativity.
But I am going to limit endless scrolling
and if I do scroll, I am going to try to limit it to Pinterest
because that usually gives me a shot of inspiration.

I am thinking of December in terms of rest
right now and that makes me happy.
I am picturing
tea in a polka dot mug,
journals,
hot chocolate, chicken soup in a slow cooker,
music, podcasts, magazines,
Christmas movies with heavy blankets,
quiet walks all bundled up,
candles, books, snowmen,
maybe finally a puzzle.

And for whatever traditions
we can’t recreate this year,
we try something new.
Who knows…maybe it will stick…
I wouldn’t have thought jamming a
Christmas tree in the back seat of a civic
would become a tradition
but there it is.
:)

Happy Sunday.
Thanks for sticking with me through
all my moods and musings.
♥

half a century...&...well...this is one where i ramble...but...with excitement & purpose...kinda :)

the honest truth
is
i don’t really plan on
aging gracefully….
ever.

i am going down
with a fight.

i will not be contained
or constrained by ideas of
what “women my age”
should say or
do or
listen to
or wear.
(and small slightly sad side note, these ideas often seem
to be enforced and monitored
by other women…which blows my mind…
but that’s a whole other post, hahaha)

well…i say….
eff that.

i plan to deepen my smile lines
by laughing as much as possible
and accenting my silver hair
with shocking pops of purple
or maybe even pink, if i want…
or maybe, i’ll just let it go totally gray….
the only limit is what will make
me happy…cause….

all i want
in life
is to be happy…
there are always going to be bills,
sickness, sadness, stress…
you can’t avoid those things
but i am
choosing
not to let them dictate
my second half of
the century.

i am the author of that story.

and all i really want is
adventure and laughter,
self awareness,
giggles and good food,
time spent with friends
and family,
time to create and explore,
try new things (except food…haha…let’s not get crazy)
and fucking embrace. my. life.

i want to be excited by ideas
and peoples and places…
every day….even in the mundane….

i want to live my life like a friday adventure
with the music loud
and the windows rolled down
and my hair blowing in my eyes…
and to sometimes throw the map away
and just follow wherever
the road goes.

age is a number.
it’s not a box. or a law. or a rule.
i am not upset at being 50.
i am excited.
i am aware of but not ashamed of my
slower metabolism, my wrinkles,
my slightly sagging neck, my weird
always-showing-gray roots hair…
but
i am healthy. i have amazing friends and family.
i live on an island that i never get tired exploring.
i love my job, my silly little 2009 civic,
my falling apart at the seams orange house….
i love my life.

i am happy. :)
i am happy being me…whatever version of me
that is today…tomorrow…or years from now…

life really is short…live it. love it.
and let go of the fear
of what other people think…
chances are
what they think has more to do
with them,
than with you….
oh!!! and make sure to eat the ice cream
before it melts!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”
WALT DISNEY

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sweet sundays...

I always love Sundays…
especially slow, quiet, sunny sundays.
Blue sky.
No wind.
Birds singing, snow melting..
sounds of spring.

It is a little hard to stay positive right now.
People are stressed out, people are scared.
It’s hard to avoid the news, the fear,
the negativity…
and every time I turn around there is a Facebook post
shaming people for this, judging people for that,
jumping to assumptions, snapping photos of people to shame online
without even knowing their story,
spreading anger, fear, outrage, panic, and hurtful, possibly harmful misinformation.

It’s hard to stay positive right now.

But I went for an hour long walk today
and yes, as I met people, we moved away from each other,
giving a wide berth to pass
but we also called out things like
”Beautiful day, eh?” and “Nice to see that sun!”

and then I came home and saw little purple flowers
growing in the front yard.

There was a bbq happening on the front deck
and the kids across the street played badminton
in the middle of the road. Our neighbors
washed their cars, people waved as they walked by
with their dogs and chickadees landed
right outside my window.

And I reminded myself that I have to stop letting
the manic-panic parts of the pandemic
get to me.
I can’t control how other people respond,
but I can control what I allow in,
what I allow myself to absorb
and I am choosing right now to find
stillness and sweetness in silence,
to sit in the sunny spot on the deck with a book…
to write in a journal, watch a good movie,
start seeds for my garden, check in with friends & family,
to not only find calm for myself but to try to be
a bright spot in someone else’s day if I can…
share a funny story,
talk about books i am loving,
post photos of pugs with snaggletooth smiles…

This is not at all what I meant to write here today.
But, honestly, I feel a little bit better now that I did.
I hope you do, too.
big virtual hugs, you. ♥
we got this.

sunday adventures...& a little bit of unexpected truth...

I generally don’t have a car on fridays anymore
so I have to take my adventure days
when I can get them…
this week, it happened to be on sunday.

I took a drive to Bonshaw
and did a little part of the trail there.
Fun fact…when I am on the trail with my camera,
I may be in there for an hour or more
but have only walked for 15 minutes.
Every detail catches me…
I stop for moss and mushrooms,
rotting tree trunks, bright colored leaves
and mud puddles.

Today was no exception.

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The truth is I have been struggling a little bit lately
in an up and down kind of way.
Some days, I am perfectly happy being by myself
(not that I am ever really “by myself”,
I have my amazing kids and family and friends)
but other days, I struggle a teeny tiny bit.

Which is what I love about getting out with my camera.
I can lose myself for hours
looking for angles and light and color and bokeh
and when it all comes together
it just makes me so happy….
like this photo below…I smiled the rest of way down the trail
because I knew I was going to love this one,
I knew I got my “one good shot”.

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and sometimes,
i think….
you have to lose yourself
a little bit in something
in order to find yourself.

When I think back to
where I was a year ago…
well….I don’t even like to think
about this time last year…
things were pretty dark and dreary and sad and scary
but that kind of helps put
my little “down days” into perspective.

It makes me realize how far I have come.

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Honestly…
this is not what I came here to write today
but it’s what came out…
so I am going to go with it
and this time next year,
I can come back again
& see how much farther I have gone.

Forward is forward…even the baby steps…
and if you are struggling with something right now,
go easy on yourself…and know you are not alone either…
:)

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summer lovin'

i have not been here
very much this summer...

it's hard to make myself come in the house
and type at the computer
when it is so hot and sunny and pretty outside.

summer goes by far too fast.

i find myself panicking as the days
turn into august,
feeling like summer
is slipping through my fingers
like sand
and i want to grab it tight
and fill my pockets
and my shoes,
i want to store it, savor it, hoard it.

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i want to make it last forever.

so i haven't been here much
but i've been writing blog posts
in my head
and taking photos
with the big camera and the little one (my phone)...
i've been reading books
and eating ice cream and taking long walks,
finding new beaches
and driving down endless dirt roads.

hello august.
i am going to try really hard not to think of you
as the end...
but instead, i'm going to try to soak up as much summer
as i can and not stress about the passing of the days.

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